Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Stories Of The Inebriated Holy Warrior

Today I’ve got game for you called “Tales of the Drunken Paladin”! A JRPG filled to the brim with jokes of one sort or another.

Meet our fat, foul mouthed, asthmatic  protagonist
Following Anebriate (who is level 99 at the start of the game), the game begins when he awakens with a hangover from a night of drinking to find that his house (that is full of piles of money) is being foreclosed. On his way to the castle to sort this out, he encounters a mugging, gets knocked out, and then loses his memory (and all his money, awesome equipment, and levels).
And then the game REALLY starts!
Tales of the drunken paladin breaks away from typical JRPGs in a lot of ways, the root of which being that it doesn’t take itself seriously at all. Every item and spell in the game either has a funny name or description IE: “Frenzied Crygasm”, “Celestial Ejaculate”, “Bishop Bitch Up” or an electric spell described as “Anebriate rubs his hands all over some plastic chairs”. Nearly all forms of health restoring items are alcoholic one way or another, and magic power is restored by tears of despair, preferably from children.
Pictured: Full health restoration
The members in your party (which the game describes as sad and little after every fight) includes an odd array of characters such as a misogynistic priest, a wizard that is repeatedly described as having a neck beard, an axe wielding lunatic who has only one volume setting (LOUD), a witch with a full on pointy hat that combines using magic with stabbing things, and a deaf mute that can just barely spell.
and these are just the guys at the start, it only gets crazier from then on
The stat system in this game is surprisingly in-depth. Upon leveling each character receives stats that they can put into anything, more health, or attack power, or critical chance. While characters obviously biased towards certain stats (magic users get more MP, less defense for example), theres nothing stopping you from building your party any way you want. Anebriate in particular is well rounded and can be anything you need him to be.
You will need a solid party to handle what this game throws at you
In short there has been a lot of effort put into this game, from the writing and the jokes to the actual meat and potatoes of the game itself. If you have any interest in JRPGS “Tales of The Drunken Paladin” is definitely worth a look. And hey! Since it’s a download able game, you can stick it in a flash drive and hold onto it after society collapses.
Or you could get a laptop powered by one of these and play it on that
Tales of the Drunken Paladin is available at

The game gets continuous fixes and updates from the developer so if something is glitched, tell him about it so it gets fixed on the next update.

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