Ten billion players: only ONE map

Time to tell you about a video game genre that's so stupid and convoluted that no one can even agree on what to call it. DOTA-like? Multiplayer Online Battle Arena? Action Real Time Strategy? Aeon of Strife Styled Fortress Assault Game Going On Two Sides? People argue endlessly over the name of the genre, and that's before we even get into the games themselves or the legal mess surrounding the original game this mess sprouted from, proving that they're played by the some of the worst people on the internet.

"Wow, never even heard of some of these curses before"

 How the genre works is that on the games one map there are two bases, each with a team of guys and their goal is to smash up the big fancy thing at the opposing base while not letting the other guys take out theirs. Each side has computer controlled armies that move toward the other side in regular waves, usually the first step in the game is to follow these dudes and NOT fight beside them, but instead hide behind them and  jump out only to get the last blow on the guys from the other side as that's how you get money to buy items. Eventually you become tough enough to fight the other team, and past that you'll level up enough to storm their base, break all their shit, and win.

"Whats all the fuss about?"

 For each game in this genre there are some differences but that's the gist of it. You might read that and go "Well that's not so bad". YES, IT IS THAT BAD. I wasn't joking about these games being played by the worst people. Between people with languages you don't understand making you incapable of working with them, people flying into a frothing rage at the slightest opportunity, or those same people bragging about their great skill at commanding one unit in a RTS game. For other multiplayer games I've said that playing with friends is fun, implying that the game is less enjoyable but still playable with strangers. This is not the case here. Playing with friends is MANDATORY for having a good time while playing these games, everyone else out there will let you down or scream at you for reasons you cant really understand.

You might not understand Spanish or Russian, but you'll know smug superiority when you see it

 These games aren't going away, too many E-celebrities doing commentary on matches, and with Valve throwing their fat sacks of  cash into the ring the tournaments are going to have even bigger cash prizes. Oh yes, there are tournaments. You dont know depression until you've seen someone win over two hundred grand by pressing "R" at the right time.

"Could that be me? Dare I try?" (no, and you shouldn't)

If for some reason any of that sounds appealing to you, theres DOZENS of flavors for you to try!
Like this one, or this one, this, this one for mythological fans, or this one!

Sword fights, spikes, and guillotines

In every kingdom in fiction ever, the right hand man adviser is always an even back stabbing jerk, without fail. So it should come with no surprise that when today's game has one, of course he's the bad guy you're out to stop. That game is Prince of Persia! No, not that time bending ones, the original.

Look at how evil that beard and mustache is

Originally coming out in 1989, and being made by one dude, Jordan Mechner (who with a name like that may very well be a robot) in college , Prince of Persia wasnt a big success at first, not that you would think that given that its still chugging along years later, and even got a relatively decent movie. Only when Prince of Persia was released in Europe and Japan the next year was when it really took off. It was ported over to more than twenty platforms over the years so Mechner clearly knew what he was doing

Disney why

At first Prince of Persia just looks like a platformer, what helped it stand apart at the time of its release was it's rotoscoped animation inspired by the movies The Adventures of Robin Hood" and "Raiders of the Lost Ark", and its sword fighting as most other games at the time used projectiles instead because it was easier. Another key feature in Prince of Persia is the built in time limit, you have one hour to get in, save the princess and beat Jaffar into the floor for being a dick. Are you fast enough? Only one way to find out.

KNEES TO CHEST, PUMP THOSE LEGS

The original Prince of Persia is a favorite of many even years later, so if any of the above draws you in at all, or if you like traps and sword fighting in general, or if you want to play this to remind yourself that when YOU run things to never have an adviser to avoid a "power behind the throne" situation, then this game might be for you!

"Meet me later in that shadowy alley by murder street, bring all you're money. You trust me right?"

You can get Prince of Persia from a lot of places, like here

Get yo bow and go innawoods

You know what some people love? Camping. Nature. The great outdoors in general. You know what a lot of people hate? Camping. Nature. The great outdoors in general. If only there was way for people who love camping to do it way more often. If only there was a way for people who hate camping to go camping with actually...camping. OH WAY, THERE TOTALLY IS, ITS TIME TO CELEBRATE!

Celebrate inside, where there's electricity

The game today is UnReal World RPG, and the best way I can describe it is by taking a blurb straight from the website its from. " UnReal World is a unique low-fantasy roguelike game set in the far north during the late Iron-Age. The world of the game is highly realistic, rich with historical atmosphere and emphasized on survival in the harsh ancient wilderness." So yeah, camping without leaving your heated/air conditioned house. Like all roguelikes what it lacks in graphics it makes up for in mechanics and general depth to the game, such as the various tribes with their different advantages and disadvantages, the number of skills to train in, the rituals to find, and the various "classes". Between all that and the world randomization you could play for a very long time without ever having to play the same way twice, one of the biggest draws of roguelikes.

You'll never get bored of the different ways you can get your ass kicked!

They arent joking when they say this game is about survival, as everything is out to kill you, from the wildlife to the environment. Not only are there wolves and bears out there but deer can kick your ass as well if you drop the ball. That isnt even getting into the hunger and thirst systems, so have fun eating the clothes off your back because you cant chase down squirrels, and then immediately getting frost bite because its winter and you have no clothing.

you need the right skills to make bacon yourself

Originally UnReal World RPG was something you'd have to pay for, but some time ago the developer for it just decided to run off of a donation based format, so if you REALLY like this game and want to give back, you totally can. If you like nature but cant hang out in the woods like a crazed hermit in real life, or if you hate nature and want to play the game to tell yourself "look at all the ways I can die out here, there isnt even any video games", or if you want a game to play in your doomsday bunker to remind yourself the surface wasnt a blasted hellscape populated by mutants and cannibal hipsters, then UnReal World RPG might be for you!

"Haha, no, I'm not going back out there"

You can get UnReal World RPG here

YOU NO MESS WITH LO-WANG

I'm just gonna say (type) some words and see if anything resonates with you: Duke Nukem, dual wielding uzis, Big Trouble in Little China, offensive jokes, kung fu movie REVENGE, hearts you crush in your hand, suicide bombers that turn into angry ghosts, giant snake men, rocket launchers with nuclear warheads. Do I have your attention? Good. Today's game is called Shadow Warrior, and all that stuff above only scratches the surface.

You know you want it

Shadow Warrior is a first person shooter by 3-D Realms, of Duke Nukem fame, in which you play Lo-Wang, the titular SHADOW WARRIOR (but he's not nearly sneaky enough to be called a ninja though, he does carry a grenade launcher around after all). As a first person shooter you spend most of your time shooting up the place naturally, though you also have two separate melee options, lightning fast machine gun punches, and a sword so sharp it can cut through armor, and still cut a tomato.

Thats a fireball shooting head all right

Theres a lot to Shadow Warrior, not the least of which is the humor, which ranges from racist and misogynistic jokes, to jabs toward other video game franchises, direct insults toward American manufacturing, and even a nod to Monty Python if you can find it. Speaking of finding things, Shadow Warrior has plenty of secrets in each level for you to find, how much of which are listed at the end of every level to tell you how terrible at the game you are. Speaking of you being terrible at the game, there is also completion times recorded by the developers at 3-D realms also listed at the end of the levels, so you can see how abusrdedly fast the game can be beaten if you know where everything is and you know exactly what to do.

PAR TIME IS FOUR MINUTES THE RECORD IS ONE MINUTE EIGHT SECONDS GO GO GO

So if any of that sounds good to you, or maybe you like bad Asian flavored 80s action movies, fortune cookies, explosions, and punching bees, then Shadow Warrior might be for you.

He messed with Lo Wang

You can get Shadow Warrior off of steam here

Dirty Buisness

The name of the game today is Sub Rosa, which for those of you who aren't language nerds means "under the rose", and its all about sneakiness, and that's exactly what we're getting into. Sub Rosa is a game about shadowy back alley deals, car chases, and deadly shoot outs.

Sub Rosa is a game that was made for the seven day FPS jam, it's still in development and as of me writing this down, it's still in version 0.07, so obviously you should know going in that its going to be rough around the edges. Still, whats there already looks pretty good, there are only three different guns but the shooting mechanics are pretty much nailed down, since you have to account for bullet drop, and the bullets actually come out of the gun instead of the center of your vision, so you need to compensate your aim in response.

"The bricks of money are secure"

There are two game modes, one where two teams need to organize a trade of cash for a disk while another is out to steal both, and kill them all. The other game mode is a free for all where all three teams are trying to steal the disk from a heavily armed CPU controlled team.

The tires make cartoony burn out sounds when you make a tight corner, and that's awesome

If any of this sounds good to you, or maybe you like the street shoot out from Heat a little too much then Sub Rosa is probably right up your alley. I have to say though that playing with friends is always more enjoyable than jumping on solo, just a reminder.

TEAMWORK

You can get the latest version of Sub Rosa here

Hopefully future space wars wont be fought this way

Think about every movie you've seen with dog-fighting in it. No, not the animal abuse kind, the planes kind. There were always wing-men, so it was almost never one guy verses a thousand other planes. But the guys in charge of arcade machines said "Screw that, make it one guy verses infinity dudes, and put it in space.", and so began the consumption of millions of quarters. Fast forward decades later, after the death of arcades as a sustainable business model outside of Japan (if you have sad music play it now), and now you dont need quarters to play those games.

old man not included

Long story short, twelve arcade "space shooter" games have been made available online to play free from your browser, including R-Type and Space Invaders. If you like high scores, space ships, power ups, and blowing up incredibly fragile alien spaceships with an incredibly fragile spaceship of your own, then you should love this.

"One of them looked at me funny! I'M GOING IN HARD!"

You can play all those games here

Rule your domain with an iron fist and high rent

Hey! You ever want to be in total control of a major building? From construction, interior design, to who you let in? Well you can't be Donald Trump, but you CAN play this game! It's called SIM Tower, and it will probably let you live out your sick, frightening, power fantasies.

It all seems so innocent at the start

SIM Tower is just that, another addition to the SIM series, but instead of building a vast city, or controlling and torturing a small number of people, you're in charge of the daily business of a skyscraper. Starting from scratch on ground level, you can build up to eighty levels straight into the sky, and straight down into the ground. You have full control over what goes where, how far up the elevators go, and how much is rent. You could be a benevolent landlord and build your tower in a sensible way, or you could demand and arm and a leg from your tenants, and have no elevators at all to purge the weak, old, and sickly from your domain.

"YOU'LL LIVE IN ROACH INFESTED CELLS AND LIKE IT"

So, if you're working off stress from work and want to mess with people who cant fight back, practicing designing your own REAL LIFE sky scraper (you internet architect, you), or you're thinking about how you're going to design your underground doomsday bunker and are planning on flipping your completed tower upside down and using that, SIM Tower might be what you're looking for.

"I accept rent in food, water, and ammo"

You can get SIM Tower here