Not a teenager, a mutant, or a turtle

You know whats cool? Ninjas. Sneaky assassins, soldiers of the night, even if you notice that there's one right behind you it's too late, you're already dead. Being masters of disguise, anyone could be a ninja. The guy who works the register at the stores you shop at? Ninja. Your doctor? Ninja. That teacher you hated? Ninja. That guy you know who's obsessed with everything and anything related vaguely to Japan? Not a ninja, and we can all be thankful for that. The chair you're sitting on right now? Possibly a ninja. And if you want, EVEN YOU.

"WHAT?"

Today I've got a simple but addicting flash game called DOJO OF DEATH, by a dude who goes by nicotuason over on Kongregate. Play a ninja and kill as many other ninjas as you possibly can before you are cut down yourself. Which sounds like a typical ninja afternoon to be honest. Fight sword ninjas! Fight axe ninjas! Fight bow ninjas! FIGHT EVERYONE.

You can only see them because they WANT to be seen

If any of that sounds good to you, or you're just trying to kill some time, or you want to train yourself in the ninja ways so you can also rest easy knowing that are prepared to FIGHT EVERYONE then check out Dojo of Death here

"Lets get naked and take a swim in the lake!"

Oh man its Adventure time! No not the cartoon with the stretchy dog, I'm talking about an actually adventure game. It's called Fable.

No, not this Fable

 In Fable you play as a dude named Quickthorpe, and you need to go find magic gems. Made back in 1996 and developed by a team called Simbiosis Interactive, Fable follows the old formula of adventure games, IE there's plenty of humor and numerous ways to die.

It's going

 Its hard to talk about adventure games without giving things away, but if you've played a point and click adventure game before you should know what to expect. If you're a fan of adventure games in general, like games with humor, or you're trying to learn weird and unexpected ways of getting out of sticky situations then Fable might be what you're looking for.

"An ice covered lake in an adventure game? I'm sure it'll be completely safe"

You can snag Fable here

Watch out for Minotaurs

QUICK: You've been trapped inside a maze by angry spirits/mad scientists/alien scientists/drunken frat boys and you need to find your way out! What do you know about getting out of mazes? Not much? Good thing I got something today to help you out with that.

Few things are worse than finding a skeleton in a maze

The game today is called ZETAMAZE, and its in the weird space where I'm not sure it counts as a game or not, but I'm bored so it's going on up anyway and you can stop me. ZetaMaze is the latest project from some computer guy named Brannon Doresy. There are three parts to this maze game: Make, Draw, and Play.

Hard mode maze

The "Make" part of the game is when you literally make a maze for someone to run through. You can be a scumbag and make a maze that's barely euclidean and is an absolute nightmare to navigate, or you could be boring and make a straight line, or anything in between! The "Draw" part of the game is you making drawings to put on the walls of the maze. Land scapes, brick walls, sage words of advice, penises, you can put anything up there! The "Play" part of the game is where you obviously run the mazes other people have made, combining the strange art and the weird maze designs to make a strange trippy labyrinth to wander through.HOWEVER

PAY ATTENTION

Part of the game is that when you wander through the maze you pick up files that others have uploaded into the game. Obviously you should be able to see why this idea, while coming from the right place, is completely retarded. I mean, who trusts the internet at all? You shouldn't even trust me. Thankfully there is an option, when the maze is loading, to opt out from this feature entirely, dodging that horrible porn shaped bullet.

Even weird muppets would be better than horrible porn

If any of this nonsense appeals to you, you can try out ZETAMAZE right from the browser, here

Yeah thats right, I use the "e" with the little mark above it, because I care about ACCURACY

So I got something thats probably going to have cease and desist letters thrown at it from every direction any minute now so I gotta move fast if I want to talk about this. Hey, hey you.

 Yeah you. Do you like...Pokémon?

 Good. Time for pocket monsters then. What I got for you today is Pokémon SHOWDOWN (which is still in beta). The main site says that "Pokémon Showdown is a Pokémon battle simulator. Play Pokémon battles online! Play with randomly generated teams, or build your own! Fully animated!" That's right. Most of the Pokémon that currently exist, which is probably in the thousands by now (remember when there was 151? way to fix what wasn't broken Nintendo), along with all the new mechanics that have been added, with online play, from your computer, no 3DS needed.

I know for SOME of you this is exactly what you've been waiting for

With multiple servers up, there are plenty of players to challenge, so build your team and jump right in. The game is in beta still so obviously there will be kinks still in the system to be worked out and Pokémon that haven't been added yet, so keep that in mind.

So when your entire team turns inside out, don't get too mad

If you like Pokémon at all, then obviously this is for you. You can jump into Pokémon SHOWDOWN beta from the browser, or download it right here, so go build a team of six magikarp and tear shit up before the lawyers ruin the party.

Hey kids you should go to a museum and quit ALL VIDEO GAMES

"Hey, where'd the jerk who posts here go? I'd have better luck getting free games by mailing a wish list to the North Pole and praying at this rate". Yeah well I'm back now, so the four people who were waiting can chill out now. In fact, today I'll give you something so amazing that you'll never feel the need to pick up another video game again, free or not. That game is BUBSY 3D: Bubsy visits the James Turrell Retrospective. Yes. That Bubsy.

IGNORE ANY MEGA-MANIACAL CACKLING

A game so masterfully crafted, so artistic, so DEEP, I dont want to spoil it for you, to let you go in like a blank canvas so you can properly experience the DEEPness yourself the way it was meant to be seen and played. Let Bubsy guide you to the promised land as the burning question of "Are video games art" is finally answered:YES
I mean, would this face lie to you?

Obviously not

So go, enjoy BUBSY 3D: BVTJTR, and let it fill a void within you that you never knew was there until this very moment. Surely this is the height of video games, past present and future, so everyone can, AND SHOULD enjoy it.

a face that screams "Hello friend, nothing strange is going to happen whatsoever"

You can play this master piece right from the web page here

Now you can be terrible, OVER THE INTERNET!

Other blogs would bitch and moan about finals, school in general, work, and Christmas stuff as to explain why there's been long gaps between updates. I won't though, because being a lazy procrastinator is embedded deep into my soul and I AINT CHANGING FOR NOBODY.

The game for you guys today is an online version of a card game you may have already heard of called Cards Against Humanity, which is a game you win by being a terrible human being. Basically the rules are that the black cards if you a sentence with a blank space, and you use the white cards to fill the gap.

It can get worse

 The most horrific combination wins, and as there's no score metric, the person judging gets to decide what wins, so don't play with boring people with "good taste" or "social sensibilities". Or do exactly that so you can horrify them.

and yet worse

The online version of the game has multiple servers up, capable of hosting a large number of games and players at once so you never need to wait for your turn to play. It's still a work in progress so there are likely more improvements and cards coming in future updates.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU FILTHY ANIMAL"

If any of that sounds good to you, then you can play the game online here, or just get the card game here

In an alternate universe, do you think theres a show called "The Y-Files"?

Excuses: I dont got any, have a video game.

They're not here for our cows this time

OK SO. Earth is being invaded by a load of aliens and they're a bunch of dicks, and as the commander of the international organization that was put together to stop them you only got the weekend warrior dregs from the countries your trying to protect. Things look bad, can you still pull it off?

Not likely

The game today is YCOM: Enemy Unlikely. A parody "demake" of X-COM Enemy Unknown, a tactical turn based strategy game with basically the same "repel alien invasion" premise. Research weapons and armor to turn the tables and beat back alien abduction attempts, because if you keep screwing up out in the field the countries that pay you will just pull the plug, and where does that leave you? On a UFO with probes in uncomfortable places.

"We'd rather take our chances with the aliens, pack your stuff and get out"

Lets see the game in action.

If any of that convinced you, or you want to better learn how to defend the Earth from alien incursion, then YCOM is worth checking out. I mean, you're not a dirty alien sympathizer are you? ARE YOU?

OR SOMETHING WORSE?

You can get YCOM Enemy Unlikely here instead of the guys website because its "UNDER CONSTRUCTION" at the time of this post